Is/Was…

Three and a half years later I still struggle with this and have to correct myself time and time again.

I was talking about my parents today and how I came to grow up overseas. I said my Dad is a civil engineer, was a civil engineer. Will I always have to correct myself? I know they’ve passed away, I know they are no longer present and therefore the past tense is correct but it’s hard to speak of them that way. Because everyday I see them in something around me, a memory presents itself, I remember something I wanted to tell them…and then everyday I am reminded of my loss.

Do we ever truly stop grieving for those we have lost? How much time is enough time? How long is excessive? Why do people think that they can say one ridiculously over repeated phrase and the grief will just “poof” disappear. Is it crazy that I still cry or that I still play saved voicemails so I don’t forget the sound of their voices?

I don’t think that anyone truly understands another persons grief. You can be empathetic and sympathetic but it’s my belief that just as our relationships with individual people are complex and unique, one persons grief will never be the same as another’s.

Maybe that’s why I look at someone crazy when they tell me they ‘know how I feel”…please don’t say that to someone going through a loss and grieving. It doesn’t matter if they lost a similar or even the same person, place or animal. Cause ya really don’t know, you can’t know. Unless you are a mind reading empath or God himself you really don’t. And if I offend you when I say to you that no you don’t, well…then maybe you’re not really there to help them feel better, you’re probably there to make yourself feel better. I can already see some of you are offended, pulling back your chins and thinking how dare I.

Pro-tip…just say something simple like-I’m here for you if you need me. And then actually be there when they do. And if someone tells you 2 years, 5 years, 10 yrs after that they’re still hurting just say the same thing-I’m here for you if you need me.

Perspective change…maybe I’ll be correcting myself forever on the is/was thing because grief…has…no…timeline.

If I’ve learned anything in going through this…it’s not that grief diminishes or goes away, or that we move on or finish processing it, it is that we carry our grief with us always but do move forward and we learn to grow around our grief.